I kind of want it to be over now. (Rant time.)

So I have two more days of high school classes, plus baccalaureate, graduation, graduation rehearsal, senior picnic, grad night and I'm sure something I'm forgetting.

And frankly, I don't want to do any of it. I kind of just want to skip forward a week and a half to that Friday after grad, where I can just stay home and sleep. Chill. Have some me time that isn't taken away from homework. (Which is, in fact, what I am doing right now - taking me time away from homework. Because, you know what? I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. Yes, that's right - I DON'T CARE about my high school classes. Even the one that has work due tomorrow. Don't caaaaaaaaaaaare.)

And plus, I don't even think the grade I get on the homework that is due tomorrow will affect my overall grade. It's just...bleh. I know my teacher would be either:

a) predisposed to give me an A, because she thinks I'm the next great American writer, or,
b) predisposed to give me a B or lower, because whatever I end up turning in will NOT be the short story version of the next great American novel

That, and I don't think our overall grades are calculated from grades on assignments.

That, and I really, really, really hate the story. Like, I just don't think it's worth my time anymore, because I can't do it justice within the page limit while still filling all the plot criteria, "giving it a strong sense of place", giving the characters a clear sense of character development, and keeping my style intact.

Basically, it's the most irritating project ever, I hate the story I've written, and I just want to skip to next Friday.

Oh - and I'm quitting BFS this year, because I'm definitely not making my goals. Yeah, I'll be going off to college in September, so that's one, and I'll probably get my driver's license and contact lenses (and I might learn to put on makeup), but I'm not going to do anything else. I just don't see it happening.

I also flat out failed that goal to go "above and beyond" on my Creative Writing final project. I just turned in a lame excerpt with a quick drawing so it could have a cover. I mean, I guess the drawing is cool, but whatever. I'm not proud of it, and I was SO proud of myself with my project for Humanities last year. It just really pisses me off that I wasn't able to do anything I would be proud of for that class. And now that girl, the one who was in Humanities with me last year and is in my Creative Writing class this semester, has ended up right.

AND THAT PISSES ME OFF MORE THAN ANYTHING.

I really, really, REALLY hate it when somebody tells me I won't be able to do something, and then I end up not doing it. She totally said to me, "you're not going to be able to top your Humanities project," and I really, really, really wanted to prove her wrong.

And now she's right.

UGH.

Also, I got a writing award. Now everyone's asking me to read stuff I've written. That's kind of a problem, since I'm not serious about writing - I'm just writing drafts I have no intention of publishing. I mean - come on! They're SCIENCE FICTION. They're supposed to be fun FOR ME, but now it seems like everyone is judging me based on what I write.

For fun.

For ME.

If I wanted to publish, I'd write something more popular, since I'd only publish if I thought it had a chance of being worth it. Honestly, I've gotten over that dream of being a famous writer (though it was fun to dream), and now I just want to be able to make a comfortable living off of a job with a salary. I guess the recent economic crisis put my dreams in perspective - my family has been so lucky, and we haven't been affected by it too much.

That's what I want when I grow up. I want to be able to ride out tough economic times with a job I might be able to depend on. MIGHT. Writing? Yeah, that doesn't even have a "might" in it - it's just not dependable, unless you're the 0.0001% of published writers who make it big. I know enough statistics to know my chances of that are so small, I might as well not dream about it (like - serious dream. Goofy dreams are still okay). So it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable that I got a writing award. I mean - what writing? Nothing I've written deserves an award. My stories and speeches don't win things anymore. My poems suck, and I actually hate it when people say they are good. I don't work on them AT ALL. You should recognize someone who works hard on their poems, not someone who throws them down on a paper in 5 minutes to hand in for a class.

I know it's "show biz" (but not), and it's not fair, but really. I should just stop entering poems into contests - other people deserve to win them. Not me. I know 3rd place (last year) and honorable mention (this year) aren't 1st place, but I know that sometimes just getting an honorable mention with something you've spent a lot of time on can be an awesome feeling. It sort of makes me sick to see that something I spent 5 minutes on before never caring about the poem again is robbing that feeling from someone else. Because losing a contest with something you've worked hard on? Pretty damn disappointing. No matter how slim your chances of winning are, there's still that pang of disappointment in yourself, and that's the worst kind of disappointment.

So I don't know why I got the writing award, and it's killing me because I feel so damn guilty and uncreative now. Like I have to measure up to this wonderful woman who died (but published three books in her life), and then her family made the award in her honor and attached a scholarship, and then gave it to me this year. I'm not majoring in creative writing - I'm (planning on) majoring in linguistics. I might switch to psychology, anthropology, sociology, environmental science...something vaguely SCIENCEY. Not writing. NOT EVEN ENGLISH.

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...I'm frustrated. It's also late at night, and I haven't done any homework. I should probably just go to sleep and call it quits, since I have the block period to fix the story and edit it, but...I dunno. We have to read a page of it out loud to the class on Friday. And my teacher, bless her heart, seems like she's spent the whole year telling the class how amazing I am. Now I think they're going to be just like her, expecting a page-long excerpt of the next great American novel - when really, I'm just Anne.

Sigh.

I mean, my novels aren't even EDITED. Why are people so excitable? Why does everyone say I should just go publish them? WHYYYYYY? I'm just eighteen! I'm just a teenager.

Siiiiiiiigh.

Oh - and my speech didn't get picked for graduation. It stung, of course, but what really stings is the continual, "oh, Anne, you're reading a speech at graduation, right?" Yeah, thanks, guys, for assuming I was able to write a contest-winning speech. It's becoming a bit tough to live up to your expectations.

So...

I think I'm going to take a break from creative writing. Maybe for the whole summer. I'm just going to write in my journal, maybe write here with random things (like...I dunno...but if I feel like it, I'll post, since that's what blogs are for), maybe try and organize my life so far. Whatever I write, it's gonna be for me. And no more goals - even setting lofty expectations for myself can be hard when I don't meet them. I'll just play it as it goes, take each day as what it is. I'm not going to write a story, I'm just going to recharge. Take a break. Maybe tell people I've quit, just so they calm down a bit and stop bugging me. A white lie won't hurt anyone, will it? =P

I'm not a superhero.

I'm just Anne.

I'm okay with that - why aren't you?

(On that note - "Waking Up In Vegas" by Katy Perry is a super fun song to dance to when nobody is looking. It's oddly inspirational. And sooooo incredibly catchy. ONE PERSON DANCE PARTY TIME. =D Shut up, and put your money where your mouth is, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas! Get up, and shake the glitter of your clothes now, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas!!!)